The fall leaves that had fallen from the beautiful maple trees around me twirled in the slow breezing wind, like miniture tornados all around me. The sky was close to twilight so a pink beam shaded over the usual blueness, causing an orange glow to light my path home. I was doing my best to not trip over my black converse in each dip of the broken cracks of cement in the sidewalk, my hands were shoved in the small pockets of my sweater to keep me from tracing along the nearby bark of trees. Thats what I did to pass the time on my way home from school, but it was too cold to have my bare skin out in the open crisp air. I know what your thinking… what is she doing walking home from school if its already alteast past 7:30 pm? Well as usual I had detention today. This time it was for causing trouble with ‘Bella’ the school’s little princess. Yeah, yeah, maybe her daddy who was the headmaster’s, little princess.
News flash: Bella’s a bitch.
Just like all the rest of the rich snobs that lived in my tiny town. Hardly called a town if you ask me. More like a gated community of pyschopathic adults with too much money for their own good, so they spoil they’re demon kids and shower them with $100 bills. Some call me an outcast, rebel, loser, geek if you must but I was none of those things. Okay maybe a bit of an outsider, but I just didnt fit in cause I didnt dress in designer clothing and my house wasnt exactly in a proper neighborhood for their liking but guess what? Thats life! Its a bitch, and it hates me so yeah I wouldnt have the perfect world like they do.
A smile, well a smile for me considering I didnt smile that often so it was more like the sides of my mouth curved in an upward motion slighty, crept to my face when Down To Earth by Justin Bieber came blasting in my ears from my head buds; drowning out Beautiful by Eminem. This song was amazing, and it fit me so well. Kinda…it was mostly just his voice and the intruments. I loved it.
Like the ‘mommy you were always somewhere, and daddy I live out of town’ part, that fits me sorta in a round about way. You see my mom is always somewhere, like a bar or some strange guys house instead of off working a normal job like Pattie was. And my dad does live out of town. Out of state. Out of country. Out of life. He’s dead. He blew his fucking head off with a shotgun when I was 12 years old and he found out my mother was cheating on him. Worst part?
He did it in my room at the edge of my bed at 1:37 am. His brains and gush went all over my sleeping face, imagine my suprise when I woke up to a gun shot and find the headless body of the only person who ever cared for me. So it wasnt exactly like Jeremy but close enough… Anyway life moves on, just like my mom did. Maybe thats why everyone at school stares at me like I have a whore as a mother. Wait I do? Oh, yeah I do. She works the bars Monday through Sunday from the time she wakes up to the time she comes home to change her clothes and check to see if im somewhat alive. Like she cares.
I sang along in my head till I reached the dead brown grass of my front yard, forgetting the broken path to the porch I cut threw it and headed straight for the backdoor since it was the one that didnt have a lock. My so called mom, Patricia, would lock the front door and then be so wasted and high that she’d forget to leave me a key for when I got home from my public school. So backdoor it was, then straight to the kitchen to open my empty fridge as if to double check that there was no food. Again. My stomach growled in protest to the nothing that sat on the shelves so I just slammed it shut and went to the closet next to the front door. I had a secret stash of cookies that I stole when she passed out last week, hidden beneath the loose floorboards. After snatching them in my skinny hands my feet slowly made their way to my small room on the other side of the smallest house in the world, to shut my door which had one hinge broken just to realize that the bag was empty and a note was in there. It read, in very sloppy handwriting I might add,
‘Nice try Lola. Next time go out and buy your own food, I dont have the money to feed you too.’
Wonderful isnt she? And she couldnt even get my name right!
Running my fingers in my dark brown, almost black, hair I tossed the wrapper on the nearest object that was next to me and let out an angered groan.”Effin A!” a few salty tears snuck their way down my cheeks from the pain in my chest. Not from the hunger, but from the feeling of being unwanted. Un-cared for. It was the worst feeling anbody could endure…and it was controlling me the majority of my life. Looking around frantically I saw it and bit my lip hard to stop even more tears from streaming, then jumped on the old mattress that was on the floor as my bed. My precious laptop.
My dad had gotten it for me when I was 11 so it was a bit outdated but who cares? This was bank for me, and even the junkie neighbors could afford wireless internet so score one for Lily! Steal that and I was ready to go. And by go I mean go automatically to facebook. Yeah I get it, why do I need a facebook? One reason and one reason only… I could send longer messages to Justin Bieber through here than I can through twitter. And by messages, I mean my daily ones… the daily ones.
He was my own personal therapist. A bad one at that,considering he’d never ever replied or atleast took notice to me. I know he probably didnt see my stupid complaining letters telling him of my life, all my problems, and how him as a person has helped me. In a way I couldnt describe it, my feelings for him. Technically we have never known eachother due to the fact that I didnt know him personally… but it felt like I knew him. Like I can understand him. Of coarse I wouldnt dare to repeat that to any human who had ears, did you get how corny and obsessive that sounds? I mean I love him…alot. But im not IN love with him… but it sure damn does feel like it. Whenever I see him or hear his voice my heart automatically quickens and for once I feel, safe. He makes me feel all warm inside and all my worries dissapear. Dear Lord listen to me! Im talking like an actual girl, not the piece of dirt I am. I am trash. I am invisible. And I have nobody…
Everytime my shaky fingers hit the keyboard though I can’t stop myself, I just pour out all my feelings to him as if we were bestfriends. The reason I sent him all these messages even though I know for a fact that he doesnt see them or doesnt care about me, is because I know im dying. Not just on the inside but on the outside too, physically. The diet I was suppose to be getting since I had diabetes was way off the charts and my blood sugar was low it almost hit negative numbers, my living enviroment was less than healthy and I was starving to death. Soon I would dead. Just like my father. And this wasnt exactly a bad thing. A part of me couldnt wait to see him on ‘the other side’ so if my body didnt go naturally in a few days then I would take control of the situation myself.
The word made it sound more creepy than it was. Still it scared me, what way should I take? I could always do the old fashioned noose around my neck and hang myself but that was so predictable. Over dose? This sounded tempting, my mom had plenty of pills I could take from her room…
Pills it was but only if it came to that.
Anyway atleast now nobody could say that I didnt try to get help. I talked to Justin. But he was too caught up in his fame to take notice to my repeating and daily messages. Either way it made me feel at peace in that area so thats all that matters. As each second passed my heart broke more and I became more depressed from my realization of how pathetic I was. Sending pitiful messages to some popstar who could care less. My hands went up to my head, rubbing my eyes gently trying to stay awake. Suddenly I felt light headed and dizzy, sleep was sounding more and more delicious. Thats what I wanted. A never ending sleep. When I slept I dreamed, when I dreamed I had Justin and others who loved me in my arms, and thats what I want more than anything else in the world. To just feel loved.
The depression was too deep in my skin, it was taking over me. All at once it felt as if darkness filled my lungs and body, I couldnt breathe. It was as if my soul left my body and was watching from the sidelines as I typed my very last message to Justin Bieber…
I cant take it anymore. I have nothing in the world for me anymore, im all alone. You have no idea how proud I am of you, for doing something with your life. You are so very talented and I wish I had the persistance in life to make something of myself but I dont. My grades have slowly been slipping like Ive mentioned before and I now know that college isnt an option for me. Without a scholorship and thats even if I finish high school. Which I wont. Before I leave I just want you to know that this will be my last message to you. Thank you so much for giving me hope enough that ive made it this far but im sorry, I cant do it anymore. The darkness has taken over me and I feel nothing now. Im holding on to my last thread of love to write this to you. Please forgive me and know that I love you so much. You’ve helped me more than I can say by just being yourself. Stay true and dont forget where you came from.
My Last Goodbye,
The cold metal of a razor blade was being held in my fingers. When did I get this? I dont know but the only thing I wanted right now was just for it all to be over. The pills would take too long to kick in, I needed to end this now. My knees buckled and my legs shook as I inched it closer to my wrist, letting hot tears run down my face in an endless river of bleakness. My face was burning red hot from the sobs erupting in my chest and I cried out loud taking one last glance around my room. The peeling paint, ripped carpet, and all too familiar mess of trash littered all across the ground.
As if I was under water a very strange pounding noise was echoeing and I thought it was my heart beating in my ears until I realized someone was knocking on my front door. Just fucking great. That bitch was home and she lost her key so she couldnt open the door! Her presence was a reminder of my life and it gave me a new found motivation of wanting it all to go away. I wasnt sure if I was still crying from my mental pain or if I was balling my green eyes out cause I had just slid the razor over my left wrist, quickly switching hands to watch the sensative skin be split in half and dark oozing blood rush from the slice of my right wrist. There wasnt enough oxygen around me so my knees hit the floor and I just layed down, gasping for more air watching my body go pale from loss of blood.
Taking my last breath of air that Id been saving I let out the loudest, most painful, and amplifying scream anybody could hear.
Before I could close my eyes I saw about three people rush into my room, their warm blood filled bodies touching mine in a worried frenzy. And last but not least a teenage boy stood beneath my broken door frame, his gorgeous brown orbs watering as he ran one hand through his silky Bieber cut hair.
I must be in heaven…
Beep. Beep. Beep.
What the hell was that annoying sound? It wasnt suppose to be like this in heaven, where was my dad?
My eyelids fluttered open in a groggy rush. A white roof stared at me, with swirls like water waves as the texture of it. Blinking a few more times I diverted my eyes to my sides, taking in the butterfly curtains and heavy machines all around me. The aroma of strong alcohol traveled up my nostrils giving my brain a burning sensation which caused me to wrinkle my nose. An idiot could tell where I was.
My throat was so dry and sandy that I knew not to try to speak. My lips were so dry, I ran my tongue along them in an attempt to wet them. Fail. It wasnt until the stinging feeling flared in both my wrist that I noticed a male figure leaning on my bed, his head rested on my thigh while his left hand held my right one in it firmly. He was sleeping. And it was quite a beautiful scene I should say, my heart warmed and I felt safe. Suddenly he opened his eyes and inclined his head up to look at me, wiping the slight drool off his mouth with his free hand.
“Lily?” an angels voice rang in my ears. It was even more breathtaking in person and by breathtaking I literally mean that. After seconds passed I remembered to breathe, gasping slightly then choking on my rough throat.
Okay.. calm yourself. This is only a dream, or im dead. Either way, just play it cool.”Am I dead?” my voice was barely a whisper and at first I thought he didnt hear me but then he scooted closer to me and a gorgeous smile came on his plump lips.
“No, your not. Thank God.” he chuckled then looked at me very seriously and took my hand in both of his. Both my wrist were wrapped tightly in a white cloth type material.”You tried to kill yourself…”
My eyes wandered around the room, acting like it was rude to look at him.”Is this real?”
A puzzled expression came on his face.”Why wouldnt it be?”
“Because your Justin Bieber and I dont know why your here…” I stated with a grimace. This wasnt real. I was dead or these drugs were really kicking themselves into my nerve system.
After taking a breath he smiled wide.”I got your messages Lily. And Im so sorry for what you’ve had to go through but… its over. Your safe now.”
My brows pulled together on my forehead. This couldnt be happening. This wasnt real and I was about to wake up to find myself alone in a hospital, or maybe this was some kind of test to see if I was going to heaven? Maybe I really was dead…
At a loss for words, I was speechless. I didnt know what to say so I just sat there in my hospital bed, looking at him like he was an alien. Was it possible that this was really happening? Could he have gotten my messages?
His face came near mine, so close that I felt his warm and moist breath on my cheek. He smelled delicious.”Lily…” he whispered with a slight grin before pecking my cheek.”I love you… and your not alone. Im here.”
My heart hammered in my chest. By the sound of his voice he wasnt talking about being IN love but it was sincere enough that I could tell he was telling the truth. He loved me…
Somebody loved me…